Here I go again… I have always loved that Whitesnake song.
The song title relates to how I feel at the moment, a day before I start chemotherapy for the second time. Yes, the second time is different, I guess that’s normal. I’ve been less nervous and likewise, members of my family are definitely less worried.
And yet, a day before I take them chemo capsules again, a few of them old nerves return, politely walk back into my life. Everything must go right again.
I got a call earlier today from a woman with the same brain tumour. She often rings. They diagnosed her with “It” last summer and she is about to go on her last monthly dose. I remember when she first rang; I was so confident, not in a bad way, but a good “this can be beaten way”, but what I noticed in today’s chat is that my confidence and optimism in the call had lowered—down not gone. Maybe I understood her worries better today.
I feel confidence may have dropped because everything at the moment seems tougher, and hence it’s harder to escape from negativity. Like, Covid has us all locked in and unable to live life to the full and distract ourselves both from minor and major problems—can’t meet friends, can’t go on days out with family, can’t go on trips abroad (I went on holiday outside Ireland for the first time while on chemo last time, back in 2014). I miss distraction.
Then there are Hospital trips, where appointments seem full of tension now. Nobody smiles there anymore (Masks are emotionless). The doctors and nurses, understandable, want you in and out as fast as possible. Also, patients must visit alone and there is no time for any soft, confidence-building conversation—it’s all straight to the point. And worse of all (On a lighter note) there are no trips to coffee shops afterwards for a treat.
I guess what I am attempting to say, is I never fully acknowledged how important the little things are, like meetups with friends where nobody is going to mention “it” or a bite to eat at a new coffee shop. The simple moments were great escapism.
I’m talking about me, chemo and the battle with cancer, but all of us have different issues and I feel today these problems are a tougher test for us all with that covid!
Please, let us beat Covid soon! Let life return to what things were like in 2019 – where we just complain about the normal things! Nobody needed another problem.