The most important time of the day is between the Tik and the Tok….
Yesterday I would call D-Day if the day after tomorrow wasn’t a more decisive day for me, a Cancer Survivor.
Last Friday was the day I undertook another MRI test.
Now, I have no fear of them….But yet that doesn’t mean the process is comfortable. For an edginess definitely comes upon me during the 45-minute ordeal– in short, this the closest, I’ll ever come to prison, I know I can’t move and that I find unnatural.
In an MRI, every user is given a button to press if they feel they need attention or help. However, I know I will never press it and yet I most definitely hold tight that buzzer when undertaking an MRI.
Monday or Result day is definitely a day where my body and mind abounds with tension, especially as I sit waiting to be called into a private room. This the Judgement room…it is where one gets a sentence or is allowed to walk free!
Of course, as I’m Irish when entering that room, I’ll attempt to cover this tension; in the way one answers a How are you? With an I’m good, even though they may be having a terrible day. So I’ll answer the casual how are you? and maybe we’ll even have a minor debate about the weather – these are casual warm-up acts, that are pre-results.
Off course, I sometimes feel I can detect the result by the doctor’s body language. I search for hints of the result….as if their greeting, a possible smile and hello carry an ‘ all’s alright,’ signal.
It’s my fourth MRI scan and all I pray for is that it’s like the last one….that I get the ‘ Okay.’
So Monday, I often wrote how I detest you but we could be friends.
Here’s hoping that I will walk out of that office with an unhide-able Smile.
And till then I’m hidden in my personal waiting room.
If one of total honesty
What would I say?
If eyes glanced me truth
What would I see?
A silver truth
Covered by a golden lie
I believe to be solemnly
Wrapped around me unlocking I.
If one of total honesty?
Then I never tell another lie,
But me will lie
to I to the day me die.
A stare, a smile and a handshake. Judgement had already taken place. Our voices yet to speak. Both actors, neither warm nor cold. They tried to disguise, but I knew that they had already decided, and all was now a lie. ”We will let you know” was their final words and a ”Thank you” was my first lie.
My life has been tested over the past couple of years but I feel the path is getting a little less rocky and my hope for 2016 is to keep going in the right direction. I still look back but the important thing is that I am looking forward more.
It was early Thursday, December 31, 2015, and I was travelling on a train on route to a new year’s celebration when my mind thinks about how a lot has changed since two years ago.
At that exact time 2 years prior I was recovering from a serious operation, yet I was happy (even though I carried many problems, some I had yet to realise). On the same day 2015, I was also happy but a more solid happiness if that is understandable.
On new year’s eve, 2013 I l sat a little excited on my hospital bed. I can hear a reader question the line ‘‘ a little excited on a hospitable bed,’’ but I had good reason to be happy, even a little excited– it was the day the doctors were allowing me to go home. My dad and sister were arriving that afternoon to take me home….and I had never wanted to be home more!
In Cork University Hospital I had been treated fantastically and still today I can remember the kindness that most of the staff showed (not all) when I needed it and I definitely needed it. Yet I never craved home or my family more. You see I had spent Christmas in the intensive care unit of the hospital, so in short I saw being let home as a gift. My home I saw as safe and family could protect me. When in hospital family calmed me and helped me through the fear I had. Looking back, I understand that I did not recognise the tasks and tests that would occur due to the cancer I had. I think that was a good thing as maybe not knowing everything is sometimes best.
So that night that was new year’s eve, I was home again and went to bed early and slept my way into the year ahead– which included radiotherapy, chemotherapy, and the regular answer of ‘’I’m doing okay.’’ The two years since have seen lows and highs, challenges and celebrations– a personal statement that I feel near everyone experiences at a certain point in life.
2016 I rang in with friends– and I think since the prior events of the time in Hospital, moments with friends have almost become somewhat invaluable. Friends can drag a down in the slumps mood back to that place that is defined, if not happiness, as contentment. I think that’s why we all need friends and of course family. And both have been good to me in recent times.
As I have seen my health improve, the completion of my College education, and receiving my first job in media as an editorial assistant, because of which I must mark 2015 as being a fine year.
And therefore, 2016 all I ask of you is to be a fine year too!
It’s 2016 and I’ve decided to share my blog’s New Year resolutions!
1) Stop making careless mistakes in my pieces–no more forgotten and’s, if’s or a’s! I have an awful habit of skipping words when thinking quicker than my chubby little hands can type and, as a result, creating mistakes by leaving out simple words. So I must re-read and re-read and maybe re-read!
2) My Blog Whispered Words became increasingly dusty during the latter stages of 2015, Therefore, my plan for 2016 is too create at least one post a week! So if I’m not seen around here, knock on my blog door somebody! Don’t let me go missing.
3) Finally, I believe that my blog frequently tends to go a little impersonal which is definitely a mistake seeing as it’s my own personal blog! Consequently, I aim to revise the style used and bring a little more ‘Me’ into my blog.
Oh and if you fancy following me on Twitter, I can be found here.
I’m the real Chris
You can’t get me off this
I’m the real Chris…..
Yes, that is my personal attempt at an Enimen style rap via the buttons of this keyboard that I am now writing upon.
Well, Christmas has come and gone.
Oh tis the Season of High and low’s LaLa lala la lala la!
Christmas Eve and we – that means me and my dad- were left stranded in a Tesco Carpark …..Tragedy!
The Car ….a Skoda (Shame on you Skoda) wouldn’t start and was very committed to it’s strike!
So what did we do you? Well the family 999 line was called. However, only one did answer, that was my sister sheila (she ain’t no mechanic). Hence, we left the car behind and jumped into my sisters slay in a not so jolly journey home.
Nevertheless, Christmas Day which we spent at Gran’s did go well and did indeed help us recapture the Christmas Spirit!
In short we had a Savage Turkey!
PS. The Skoda has not come home yet!
I hear the rhythm of tyres splashing through puddles of water. It’s day but dark and that I believe is winter’s stark portrayal of it’s warmer side.
Comfort still I have as I lay hiding.
Yet I know …I have no choice but to brighten my day.
So I ..tippy-toe out of bed and smile at the day that lays ahead.
Captain H.T. Lewis Diary: a wonderful description of the beauty of the words past lives in diaries.
If there were dreams to sell,
Merry and sad to tell,
And the crier rang the bell,
What would you buy?
– T.L. Beddoes from Dream Pedlary
I’m not a big fan of novels written in diary form. I do, however, enjoy reading the real thing. I usually have to read a published work if I want to read someone’s account of their daily lives, since diaries are traditionally not a widely shared thing. (Blogs are another matter.)
So, the other night I had a lovely midnight reading fest. I just about at up a story written 84 years ago when writing for oneself seems to have been more a genuine effort at pleasurable and reflective engagement with one’s own life than it does today. Today, with all our “reality shows” and YouTube confessionals, personal blogs and ego-based attempts at snatching fame for fame’s sake, it seems as if a lot…
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